loneliness

Loneliness

What do we owe people who are lonely?

The answer is to be there for them, but it’s not so simple.

It’s complex because we play both roles, sometimes the lonely and other times the one comforting the lonely.

Most will experience periodic loneliness in their lifetime. And loneliness isn’t always about being physically separated from others. It can happen when we feel that we are not understood by others. A 2019 survey (before the global pandemic) utilized by health insurance company, Cigna, found that 61% in this country had feelings of loneliness.  

So since we’ve been there, we have empathy for those who are experiencing it.

But we’ve also played the role of trying to alleviate loneliness in others. That can be tough. There’s just one of us. And there’s a lot of loneliness in the world.

There are three things that can help.

First, we can be there for others when we can and where we can. When we serve the lonely this way, we get back more than we give.

But like so many things in life, there needs to be a balance. Helping others is the right thing to do. Understanding that we must live the gift of our life to the fullest is the right thing to do, too. Both can happen. Know when to give to others and when to be kind to yourself.

Next, we can start thinking about our own responsibility in assuaging loneliness.

Many have retirement financial portfolios. A plan is developed, starting during the early working years, to one day retire with financial security. Perhaps we should also develop an anti-loneliness portfolio, a plan for warding off loneliness as we age.

There are several tools we can put in our anti-loneliness portfolio.

Being mobile is one of them. The longer we can stay healthy, the more we’ll be able to get out of the house in order to connect with others. For some, because of health problems that are no fault of their own, this isn’t an option. For everyone else, taking care of our body is the vehicle that will put distance between us and loneliness.

Geography is an important factor. If it’s possible, make a plan to live near your family or closest friends. Long distance relationships can work. It works better, though, when we’re in close proximity.   

And be a lifelong relationship builder. Despite our best efforts, old age may eventually make us home-bound and dependent upon visitors. There’s no age limit, though, to being a welcoming host or hostess to guests. One of the most meaningful tributes given to my father when he passed away was that when you walked through his doorway, he greeted you as though he had been waiting the whole day just to see you. Visits were treasured.

Stay healthy. Stay close. And stay humble. All great tools to put in an anti-loneliness portfolio.

Lastly, there’s the whole way we look at loneliness. It needn’t be something that we strive to completely eliminate from our lives because solitude can lead us to God. In “The Bible in a Year” podcast with the Rev. Mike Schmitz, he explains a story in the Book of Ecclesiastes. “Against a small city with few men in it advanced a mighty king, who surrounded it and threw up great siegeworks about it. But in the city lived a man who, though poor, was wise, and he delivered it through his wisdom. Yet no one remembered the poor man.” In his day, the poor, wise man was a hero who accomplished a tremendous victory. But now he’s forgotten.

Being forgotten is something that will eventually happen to all of us. It’s ironic that we put up such a big fight against loneliness until we realize this. But the One who will never forget us is God. Seek Him when you’re lonely.   

And so the answer to the question of what we owe people who are lonely is to do what we can for them.

Then, do all we can for ourselves.

Isolation is not the American way

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Image by Shutterstock.

Since 1937, the Army has maintained a ceaseless vigil over the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia. The Tomb stands above the grave of an unknown World War I soldier. His body was exhumed from an unmarked battlefield burial in France and brought back to the United States. A cannon fired when his casket was lowered, long ago, to his final resting place in the crypt. And for decades he has been watched over by members of the 3rd U.S. Infantry—“The Old Guard”—every hour of every day, regardless of weather conditions.

It’s a powerful image: “You will never be alone.”

In this country, we embrace individualism. We admire independence. But we don’t accept loneliness.

Yet, loneliness is on the rise and has been even before the coronavirus era. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only 13 percent of all households were single-person homes in 1960. By 2018, that number grew to 28 percent.

Living alone, on its own, is not necessarily an indicator of loneliness. Until the last few months, home was a base where one could spring from and enjoy camaraderie at work or meet up with friends at a favorite establishment—satisfying the need for human contact. Lately, for far too many, home has been an isolation zone. No work. No visitors. No human contact. And having hundreds, or even thousands, of friends on social media is no substitute for in-person connections.

We know how tough loneliness can be on people, but we swiftly adopted isolation tactics anyway. COVID-19, and the immediate threat of health care systems being overwhelmed, created nearly full cooperation of an entire country to self-isolate. But while 40 – 50 days to “slow the spread” may have been necessary, some want another four or five months of continued restrictions.

The ability or strength to ward off loneliness is one of those human characteristics that is different for all of us.

For some, the need for human connection is strong and they’re ready to return to pre-coronavirus life. They want the freedom to go where they want to go, do what they want to do, see who they want to see, and not be muzzled with a mask. Successfully battling loneliness is most important to them.

Other individuals prefer not to leave their property and will wear a mask doing outdoor gardening—just in case a neighbor should happen to get too close. They have a high threshold for tolerating loneliness, and their priority is keeping themselves and their family safe.

Many are somewhere in between. The virus has likely permanently changed some behaviors. The way they interact with others may never be fully restored to pre-coronavirus days, but they’re ready to go out in the world again.

All of these ways of dealing with loneliness can be respected. Nobody needs to be corona-shamed, no matter what their personal thoughts are on isolation.

But it’s good to recognize that loneliness that comes from isolation is real. Some aren’t wired for surviving a long lockdown.

The absolute, worst thing you can do to a prison inmate is throw him or her into solitary confinement. It’s not the physical environment that makes it the ultimate punishment. The solitary confinement cell is only somewhat worse than the prisoner’s regular cell. The trauma comes from removing all human contact with the prisoner.

It’s a brutal statement: “You are alone.”

The lockdown was necessary for a while. Sufficient access to health care had to be assured. But as long as there are empty beds in hospital rooms and unemployed health care workers, it’s hard to advocate for continued and forced restrictions.

All this loneliness is not our way.